Christmas cracker Awards

Christmas crackers

This year I have decided to give awards up to now in the season – the totally serious Gus Worth awards which are better than Ballon D’or, MOTM, or the Oscars. The Award ceremony will be held in Mar De Lago, Trump’s place in Florida, on New Years Eve. You are all invited. Tell Donald I sent you.

Come to Mar De Lago, ASCB, for New Years Eve

Worst defender of the season award – Declan Rice for allowing Alexander Arnold to get a shot away. There was only 5 Liverpool attackers, he should have just tackled them, taken the ball off them and sent them home crying.

Only five Scousers, Declan? No Problem

Biggest arguer of the season award- Mikel Arteta for constantly arguing with officials and getting cards. He will probably get the most cards of the whole squad and have to send himself home crying for not obeying the manager.

Best goalkeeper award– Aaron Ramsdale for 27 games he has been there and only let in 9 goals.

Worst Gabby of the season award– Martinelli for having the worst defensive record of all first choicers. He should be told to stop scoring goals and creating chances and get back there and… oh sorry, we have Declan Rice, we don’t need anyone else, the rest should be up attacking.

Most drunk player award– William Saliba for drinking tequila all through the matches. How is that allowed? Mikel needs to show him who’s boss.

The Saliba brand is the best

Most useless player regarded by the fans award - Eddie Nketiah despite being our joint top scorer with Saka having 5 goals from 9 appearances, 8 as a substitute. No wonder the poor guy goes home crying every night.

Almost a BFG award – Kai Havertz but still a bit smaller than the real one. My suggestion, Kai, is to wear high heels on the pitch, then you really will be the new BFG!

Kai - you would look so good in high heels!

Kicked up the arse every match award – Bukayo Saka. It is probably why he gets picked every match as his arse is too sore to sit on the bench.

Saka - gets kicked so often he thinks he is in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Most successful pass rate award – William Saliba at 77.3 passes per match and 92.7 success rate. Probably because he is so drunk he gets rid of the ball quickly.

Only alliterative name award – Takehiro Tomiyasu so perhaps he should be known as TT, but then that also stands for teetotaller and it might be a bit difficult playing alongside Saliba the Tequila.

Should be our striker award – Martin Odegaard, at 2.3 he has the most shots per game. Shoot, Marty, shoot!

Should be known as LFP award– Fabio Vieira, our smallest player, should be Little F… Portuguese.

Fabio - The LFP

Ball loser of the season award – surprisingly to me, Gabriel Jesus at 2.1 dispossessions per game and 2.6 bad controls per game. Mikel, you need to hide Saliba’s Tequila from Jesus. He obviously can’t handle his control or his drink.

Scoring goals in the smallest number of minutes award – Leandro Trossard and Eddie Nketiah who have the most sub appearances and yet 3 and 5 goals. They must keep away from the Tequila.

And finally:

The Referee and VAR team of the season award is Arsenal. They see fouls, handballs, no penalties, offsides and cards that no one else can see. It is great to know that we keep them happy. Maybe we ask Saliba to stop giving them presents of Tequila before the matches? They get so drunk they think it’s great fun messing us about.

Don’t miss Mar De Lago and the awards ceremony. You can pick up your flights and hotel tickets for free from Georgi Stoyanov, Stan Kroenke himself has sent them on.

This guy has all your tickets. 

Have a wonderful New Year.