Arsenal vs Watford
No Cojones at all?
We can't hear you, Troy
Yes, it’s a derby. Yes, we are far ahead in terms of trophies. And so yes, we are far ahead in terms of wins? Well, not really, they have 12 wins to our 19 and we never seem to draw. Only 2.
Lots of colour
It is difficult for teams around the capital to register wins because there are so many derbies but Watford have shown that they have little reason to be fearful of us. And of course, they have that 2 famous wins in a row in 2017 which proved their undoing. Troy Deeney famously said we have No Cojones thinking they had found the magic formula to defeat Arsenal. Sorry, but no team has ever found that formula. He must have regretted that as we thought them a lesson ever since then with only one draw in 2019 to show. Don’t make fun of the Arse, Mr Deeney. We will bite you on the bum.
We couldn’t find our balls
But still, 12 wins, despite rarely being higher than us in the league is a good achievement. They spent a long time away from the top flight, you see, only managing their breakthrough in 1982, so the only way we could see them was in the cups, but they rarely got drawn against us. 3 FA cups was all that happened up to that point and all went our way. 3-0 in 1906, 3-0 in 1910 and 2-1 just when they were starting to come good under Graham Taylor and Elton John in 1980. So we taught them early lessons.
Take those 3 away though and you can see a bit of a different picture, now, since they came up to the top it is 12 wins to our 16 and the 2 draws. They have been a tough competitor for us forcing us time and again to show that we actually do have Cojones. They are not a major heavyweight team like Arsenal but make us fight for our wins despite their status.
Were we really as bad as this?
The Hornets and the gay superstar
I want to admit something at this point. There is something likable, for me, about Watford. I loved when they appeared on the scene under Elton John. No major star like him had owned a football club and football when I was young was extraordinarily macho. A gay man, with the maximum paraphernalia of such men, was in charge in the homophobic football world of England. And they were colourful, using to maximum impact their yellow, black and red colours. They played at Vicarage Road which seemed oddly appropriate for Elton John. They were flamboyant, and they were good.
I love the tie, Elton
And I didn’t really like that because they did the double over us in that first year. 4-2 and 2-1 on their way to being runners up and leaving us behind in a trail of dust. They nearly won the league despite there being 3 teams who had recently won the European Cup, Liverpool, who were on their incredible run of dominance, Notts Forest and Aston Villa. They appeared like a colourful rocket, blazing through the sky and making light of their tiny ground and humble origins. And they also sent us home crying to teach us a lesson that they had arrived, they were in London and ready to take us on. Maybe Troy Deeney was right, even though he wasn’t even born then. Beating Watford requires Cojones. And they showed us we hadn’t got them.
Tactics Graham had his testes removed
And we didn’t. They came up and kept teaching us lessons but we never seemed to learn. The old first division was their stomping ground and they just kept beating us like an old whipped dog. They played us 12 times – they won 9 times and drew once! OMG, who are these Hornets? We even played them in the FA cup in 1987 with the magical George Graham in charge. Made no difference. 3-1 to them at Highbury. I mean, we are the Arsenal, we have trophies, we have marble halls, we are the kings of London and you are telling us we have no Cojones? And worse, proving it?
Watford almost removed his testes
Even when they got relegated in 1988, they did the double over us. And we didn’t see them again until the Premier league was in full swing in 1999. We were fully Wengerball by then. We must have grown a set of balls or maybe they lost theirs because we did the double over them and sent them back down. We got them in the Fa Cup in 2002 at Vicarage Road and destroyed them 4-2.
They came back up in 2006 and again we sent them back down with a double 3-0 and 2-1.
Can Bull Serum help?
And so 2015 and their current incarnation as a Premier league team. This time when they came up they had recovered some of their Cojones and sting. We squeezed their balls with 3-0 and 4-0 but they bit ours in the FA cup 2-1. We beat them 3-1 in the next season but then they had their little run which foolishly prompted Troy Deeney to declare we had No Cojones. They won the next 2-1 at the Emirates and then won again 2-1 in the next season. So, in around a year and a half, they beat us 2-1 three times. They thought they had rediscovered the magic formula of their first division years.
Is it true we needed this?
Eh no, we are Arsenal. We are the boys with the big balls. And so, Mr Deeney, all you have to show is one draw in 2019 since then. Go home crying and try to find your Cojones. I have heard rumours that Arteta, as a student of the game, has been feeding our players Taurine to improve the size of our balls based on what you did to us in the 80’s. He doesn’t want a repeat by any upstart team trying to break our balls.
You need balls to score penalties like Arteta
Watford have never managed a win against him – long may that continue! And yet I hope you stay up and beat our rivals. The Premier League is poorer without you, your colourful fans, your family orientated ground and your bigmouth strikers!