My Life as a Gooner part 46

2003-2004

Unbeaten

A rare picture of Davis Dine

I am going to let you into a little secret, a conspiracy in fact, Arsenal were actually beaten in the Invincible season but Davis Dine, a shadowy yet powerful man with Arsenal, was willing to conspire to make sure that didn’t happen. Poor Mr Dine didn’t like the way everyone was laughing at his favourite person as, last time out, Arsenal had been beaten 6 times on the way to coming second after comical Wenger said we could go the whole season unbeaten. He resolved a plan which involved gathering all the dirt he could on all his rivals to make sure results would be changed if necessary.
 

First he had to secure the Premier League and their managers but that was easy as he had been in a major position ever since the start. He knew all their secrets, their illicit affairs, their secret bank accounts, the bribes for votes, and as he was squeaky clean himself, they couldn’t get back at him. Or could they?

Undefeated

Harry Redknapp masterminded a win over Arsenal

And so to the matches. Dine was hoping that somehow we would never be beaten and he would never have to unveil his plan.  We started so well with 4 wins over Everton, Middlesbrough, Villa and Man City. On September 13^th, though, he came up against Portsmouth and he didn’t even think he would need anything for this one as they were, well, Portsmouth. But the ageless Teddy Sheringham scored on 26 minutes putting Dine in a panic for a moment. Then he remembered that Harry Redknapp had bank accounts in the name of his dog and Tottenham was his dream job. So he quickly spoke to him, promised to keep shtum on the accounts and would use his contacts to make sure he would manage the Spuds in the future. Miraculously, Henry got a penalty soon after. We failed to score another so that would have been a loss. 1-1 and we were still unbeaten. Redknapp was no fool, though, and he insisted that the second match also had to be 1-1 and so it was on 4^th May. And was it a coincidence that he finally got to manage the Spuds in 2008?

Van Nistleroy: The star pupil of falling over

But then the next match was Manchester United. Mr Dine had no worries here, he had a secret video training session recorded where players were taught to dive. Van Nistleroy was the star pupil. If anything went wrong he could pull it out.  It was nervy as it was 0-0 but that remained the final score and Dine didn’t have to worry. He was really hoping they wouldn’t score late as it gave him little time to organise but in the end, all was fine.

Unassailable

Then 3 wins against Newcastle, Liverpool and Chelsea and Dine could breathe easily. An easy game against Charlton next, eh, no, they scored after 27 minutes with a Paolo Di Canio penalty. Dine was scrambling around trying to see what he could do when Henry popped up with a goal on 39 minutes. Luckily the scores stayed like that to the end as Charlton were a bit of a problem for him. He hadn’t got much dirt on them.

Leeds, Tottenham and Birmingham fell to our sword next so no need to worry. Fulham next and 0-0. Again Dine was nervy about a late goal but we got through it. No need to pull any strokes. Leicester away next and this time we were one up after 60 minutes with a Gilberto goal. Ashley Cole got sent off on 72 and it got stressful for Dine but we held out until the 93^rd minute when they scored an equalizer from Craig Hignett. But 1-1 and all is well.

Indomitable

A nice win against Blackburn 1-0 to the Arsenal and then Bolton away. Davis Dine wasn’t worried at all about this one as he knew where Sam Allardyce kept his secret stash of pies and would reveal his big secret. As it happened, Robert Pires scored after 57 minutes, Bolton rallied on 83 with Henrik Pederson to leave a risky 1-1. Big Sam’s pies were safe. We weren’t beaten.

Your secret is safe, Sam

3-0 and 1-0 to the Arsenal next against Wolves and Southampton and all is good. Then Everton at Goodison. Kanu put us ahead on 29 and it seemed all was well but then Radzinki scored one for Everton on 75. Dine kept his nerve and it ended 1-1.

Unconquerable

Then we had nine wins in a row. Dine was wondering why he had never done this before. We were Arsenal, we were winning, we were sending teams home crying. And if we needed a little bit of help, he should have been providing it. Next step would be all other trophies.

Suddenly, Manchester United were next at Highbury. He had his secret diving video as back-up here but he needn’t have worried. Henry scored after 50 minutes and even though Saha got one back on 86, it was enough for 1-1.  No need to pull any tricks. We were still the Arsenal.

Indestructible

4-2 against Liverpool. Easy peasy. Then 0-0 Newcastle.  He had an ace up his sleeve with them if necessary. He would threaten them with Mike Ashley taking over if they gave him any problems. Leeds 5-0 then, and this was looking so good.

Too late, Robbie

The Spuds away. Mr Dine wasn’t worried as they always fell over for Arsene Wenger. It was his favourite ground. And so it proved as first Vieira on 3 minutes and then Pires on 35 scored to make us 2-0. Ah, Spuds, you are useless, the only team Mr Dine didn’t have to collect any scandal on, you make life easy for us. Although Jamie Redknapp scored on 62 and Robbie Keane got a late consolation on 94 to make it 2-2. These Irishmen can be a nuisance but we were still unbeaten.

Invulnerable

Birmingham 0-0 and no need for dramatics. Portsmouth next and the deal held as agreed earlier, another 1-1. We let them score first then we equalised. All good.

One nil to the Arsenal against Fulham then 2-1 vs Leicester to give us the invincible season. But we would have been beaten at Portsmouth thus ending the dream. Who would have thought that Harry Redknapp was the mastermind who actually should have beaten us?

Invincible

We are Arsenal, we are the best, the invincibles, and Arsene Wenger the genius who made us so. A pity for Davis Dine, though, as he was to go out of favour at Arsenal, and his dream of having an ace in the hole for every match was never to be. Until today, this story never came out. But now you know the conspiracy behind the invincible season.

As for me, I was delighted. Manchester United, who are you? No-one will ever beat us.