The biggest points deduction ever

It’s real. City get the biggest points deduction ever!

Manchester City are about to get a large points deduction and a large financial penalty from the independent commission looking into their financial irregularities under UEFA Financial Fair Play (FFP) regulations - and the Premier League's own profit and sustainability rules (PSR). You have heard it here first. I will detail the exact fines and discipline they will receive which will most likely not be revealed until next year.

How can I do this? You see, my close friend is Sean O’Slipperaigh, who is the main lawyer for Manchester City and he, on the first day of the commission, met up with his counterparts, Roy Boyas (lawyer for the independent commission) and Nigel Kurupt (lawyer for the Premier League PL and UEFA).  He told me in confidence all about it. Unfortunately I am a big mouth and can’t keep quiet.This is how it went:

These boys are going to get some money

Sean: Boys, I have a deal for you that you are going to love. I have a proposal here for a large points and financial deduction that will show that the Premier League and UEFA are tough as fuck. We can agree it today and come in and go on the beer for the next two months until we announce we have reached an agreement and then release it in the new year saying it took months of hard negotiation to achieve.

The two others looked at him with a gleam in their eyes.

Roy: Are you serious, Sean? You’ve got something good? We will accept it?

Nigel: I love dealing with you, Sean. Roy, don’t worry, I know Sean for a long time, he always has something up his sleeve. This is going to be good, believe me.

Sean: Of course it is, that’s why I am the best. City can afford the best. I will lay it out for you. City will accept a punishment for every year. So here it is.

For 2009 4.5 points taken away for that season and 2 million pounds in fines but one million officially and the other million goes to your top officials, to, eh, help with your national leagues, hee hee, and certainly not to buy fancy houses or holidays.

Roy: Well, that does sound good, points and money and in 2009 you weren’t all that bad with dodgy dealings. You were only learning.

Nigel, whose eyes were sparkling at the thought of millions going towards houses and holidays, no, sorry, money for the national leagues: Sean, I love the way this is going.

Lots of money

Sean: For 2010 2.5 points deducted and another two million in the same way. We were still only really learning how to be irregular but we are men at Man City, we will take our punishment.

Roy and Nigel: Bravo!

Sean, with a big wink in his eye: For 2011 2.5 points deducted and another two million of the same. Those national leagues need supporting.

Roy and Nigel both shout in unison: Bravo again.

Roy: This is incredible. I thought I would have to spend weeks, maybe months examining evidence, asking hard questions, but you have made life easy for me by putting up your hands straightaway.

Nigel: You are a newcomer to international negotiations, Roy, this is how they are all done, we agree everything in advance then go on the beer and champagne for a couple of months, with every so often releasing a press statement saying that agreement is very hard to reach and big arguments are being had. It’s the best job in the world. And we are the best at it. You will look like the toughest guy in the world Roy. You will be the lawyer for independent commissions until you die.

These boys will also get some money

Sean: If I can continue, for 2012 we didn’t do too much wrong we get zero points deducted  but we get fined the two million, one million official and the other for the two organizations to do as they please.

Roy and Nigel clap their hands.

Sean: For 2013 2.5 points deducted and another two million to keep your bosses happy.

Nigel: They will be very happy, they love giving money to themselves, sorry, football, hee hee.

Sean: For 2014 1.5 points deducted and a nice little two million again. It will keep coming, don’t you worry. Oh, and waiter, can you make sure you keep our champagne glasses topped up, just watch and if we go low, top us up. We are trying to achieve very difficult goals here and we need liquid refreshment.

Champagne all around

The two others nodded in agreement.

Nigel: Very hard work, this. We are accomplishing great things for the football world.

Sean: For 2015 3.5 points deducted and yes, another nice two million. For 2016 0 points deducted as we weren’t too bad that year but the two million you can take for granted.

Roy: I am a little worried about the fact that the points deductions are not so bad. There might be a problem about that.

Sean: Ah, Roy me boy, don’t you get concerned about that. There are huge points deductions to come. For 2017 1.5 points deducted but for 2018 18.5 points deducted. How about that one? UEFA and the Premier League will look like the hardnosed bureaucrats that they are. And of course the two million for each year.

Nigel: 18.5. I love it, Sean. You are the boy, for sure.

Sean beams his famous grin: I don’t get paid millions for nothing, Nigel, you know that.

Sean: Then for 2019  0.5 points deducted and then another beauty for 2020 14.5 points. And another pretty one for 2021 11.5 points deducted. And never forget the two million coming for every year.

Roy: This is unbelievable. And your bosses will agree to this? Are you sure?

Sean: I have their signatures already prepared. You just give me yours and we are good to go. We just need to make sure that the gourmet food and drink keeps coming for the months of hard negotiations ahead, hee hee.

My good friend Sean O'Slipperaigh

Roy: This is my first time doing this, but I will make my name from this. What will be the final points tally and financial fines?

Sean: Let me finish, then. For 2022 1.5, 2023 4.5 and 2024 1.5 points deducted. That will make 81 points, easily the biggest points deduction ever and officially 16 million pounds but we will double that, of course, on the quiet. We will probably have to sell one of our best players to afford that.

Nigel: Fat Kalvin Phillips, maybe?

Sean: Yes, a huge loss, incredible player.

Nigel: You have done it again, Sean. You Irish are the true masters of dodgy negotiations. All we have to do now is sign, come on, Roy, get your signature on so we can get back to the serious work of having fun. We’ll let the bosses announce it in the new year.

They all sign.

Sean: This waiter is starting to annoy me, can he not see my glass is empty?