You’re havin’ a laugh, Arsenal

You’re havin’ a laugh, Arsenal

I decided to hunt out funny Arsenal quotes to give us a bit of a break from all the doom and gloom at the moment. Arteta out, Arsenal are rubbish, the players don’t know how to play -until we win a few matches and then we are the greatest again. We are the team with the best average points ever in the English top flight, we have the longest unbroken spell in the top flight, we have a gold Premier League trophy, and the first successful foreign manager in English football. We also have some funny men.

I bet you didn’t know that Arsene Wenger couldn’t count –

“Manuel Almunia took the criticism and responded with one word – his performance on the pitch.” Arsene Wenger uses five words instead of one”

Or his grasp of English

“Where his balls go, you will be quite surprised.” Arsene Wenger on Denilson’s attributes

His knowledge of economics

“The Germans do well economically and we respect that. They are the only ones that make money in Europe. That’s why we’ve chosen a German.” Wenger on why Mertesacker was asked to collect player’s fines.

Eh?

“l should invite you sometimes to come into the dressing room and look at the legs of Alex Hleb after a game. You would be amazed.” Arsene Wenger

His knowledge of biology

“I’m amazed how big Patrick Vieira’s elbows are – they can reach players 10 yards away.” Arsene Wenger

I guess they were elastic

Ray Parlour’s cockney accent gave a few problems

“Ray is without doubt the funniest player l’ve ever trained with. lt’s so important to have players such as Ray involved with the group, for his contribution on the field and spirit off it. I only wish I could understand more of what he says.” Gilles Grimandi on Ray Parlour

Go on, say something, Ray

“I can understand everyone apart from Ray Parlour.” Junichi Inamoto

Merse probably only knew about betting shops

Paul Merson: “Who the f*ck’s that?” Nigel Winterburn: “Bloody hell Merse, it’s Nelson Mandela.”

It's Nelson Mandela, Merse

David Dein had practical problems and a surprise

“We nearly didn’t sign him because the letters did not fit on his shirt.” David Dein on the signing of Giovanni van Bronckhorst

“I ran home immediately to my wife in excitement and said, ‘I’ve seen the nearest thing to a Brazilian footballer you’ll ever see in our Academy... and he’s from Lewisham!’” David Dein on David Rocastle

Wrighty is right and Adams is honest about Dennis Bergkamp

“Dennis Bergkamp is such a nice man, such a tremendous gentleman, with such a lovely family. It’s going to be hard for me to kick him.” Tony Adams on going up against his Gunners teammate on international duty

 “If Dennis Bergkamp was in Star Trek, he’d be the best player in whatever solar system they were in.” Ian Wright

Bodily functions please the fans according to Ashley Cole

“He only has to fart during a warm-up and they’re singing his name from the rafters.” Ashley Cole on Freddie Ljungberg

It’s hard having a member according to Charlie George

Maybe, Charlie

“As for that rumour about me having an erection while I was lying there, that’s b*llocks. I never got an erection after scoring a goal.” Charlie George on his famous celebration after scoring the 1971 FA Cup final winner

Arsenal people definitely suffer with biology

Reporter: “You’re eyes are streaming – are you all right?” Mel Charles: “I’m OK. I’ve just got clitorises in my eyes.” The Gunners player suffered from cataracts

Or maybe Grimsby, Nick?

Journalist: “Where would your next move be?” Nicklas Bendtner: “If I could decide: Real Madrid or Barcelona.”

Bendtner again – unfortunately no-one else

“If you ask me if I am one of the best strikers in the world, I’d say ‘yes’ because I believe it.” Nicklas Bendtner

You are some funny guy, Nick

“Everything I do I always feel very confident. Whether it’s tennis, badminton, football, whatever. I just go out there and think I can do it and most of the time I can. What I’m good at I don’t mind saying because it’s not a secret, is it? Nicklas Bendtner

The greatest striker in the world, although this seems like a terrible picture of Thierry Henry

At least he got this right

“I want to be top scorer in the Premier League, top scorer at the World Cup and over the next five years I want to be among the best players in the world. Trust me, this will happen.” Nicklas Bendtner

I believed this one

“l am not going to leave. Never. I am staying here for life.” Thierry Henry stays at Arsenal shortly before he leaves for Barcelona

Ah, no, Theo

Boo hoo Theo

“I played so badly that even my parents booed me off when I was substituted.” Theo Walcott on playing for England U21s

Our real hard man

“The trick was to get in early as possible, hit them hard, give them a good wallop, make them feel as if they’d been in a car crash or hit a brick wall.” Peter Storey

We love you Arsenal, we do

 “Once it was lucky Arsenal. Then it was boring Arsenal, but now we’ve got a real problem because we’re in danger of being liked.” Peter Hill-Wood

Eh, yes?

“Our objective is to keep Arsenal English, but with a lot of foreign players.” Peter Hill-Wood

Don Corleone playing against Arsenal

“It’s a bit hard to play like a gentleman with someone closely resembling an enthusiastic member of the mafia swiping his studs down your legs, or kicking you up in the air from behind.”

Did Don Corleone really play for Italy?

Eddie Hapgood, playing for England in a bad-tempered match against Italy at Highbury

Never any problems at the back, Tony

“When the captain said there was a problem at the back I thought he meant me and Steve Bould.” Tony Adams after an Arsenal flight was delayed

Correct, Dennis

“Dennis Bergkamp told me the Dutch always thought of the English as strong but stupid.” Tony Adams

It’s a wonderland, Perry

Perry Groves - he played every position except no.7

“Kenny Dalglish came on at the same time as me and everyone expected him to win it for Liverpool. But here I was, a ginger-haired nobody, setting up the winning goal for Arsenal.” Perry Groves on the 1987 League Cup final win over the Reds

I will leave you with this one

The late Peter Hill-Wood

“Call me old fashioned, but we don’t need his money and we don’t want his sort. They only see an opportunity to make money. They know sweet FA about our football and we don’t want these types involved.” Peter Hill-Wood after reported interest in the club by US businessman Stan Kroenke