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It ain’t funny, you know Every so often, a footballer, a manager or a football person says something that is very funny, but most often unintentionally. Today I will go through some of my favourites. I will give an Arsenal flavour to most of them. They made me laugh, but often I actually know what they were trying to say, so I guess I am a candidate for saying such stuff. Not if you are the Spuds, Thierry This one is probably the most quoted and misquoted, with George Best after his testimonial with a big bag of money in a luxury hotel and Miss World on the bed, and a porter comes in and says “Georgie, where did it all go wrong?” Another favourite from Georgie was “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds (girls)and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” Personally, I love Ron Atkinson "You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time." And his ability to count: "If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half-time, it was concentration and focus." Or his logic: “Liverpool will think 'we could have won this 2-2”. Here he sounds dangerous: ‘Stoichkov's playing on the wing, in this situation he likes to come in and scalp the centre-half’. Always the smartest guy in football And nobody can talk about funny quotes without mentioning the master himself, David Coleman the English sports commentator, who Private Eye the English satirical magazine devoted a section called Colemanballs often including others who were just as inept. "Forest have now lost six matches without winning." “In fact that's Swindon's first win of any kind in nine matches” David Coleman apparently struggled with the notion of winning. And then there was former English manager Bobby Robson and maybe it says something about me that I know exactly what Bobby meant here: "I would have given my right arm to be a pianist." But maybe not this: “We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought”. No, really, what is Sagna doing? I am not sure how the former Southampton manager Lawrie McMenemy came up with this one, though: "When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1.” Or Des Lynam, the Irish sports commentator who also struggled with maths. "Real’s second goal made it 3-0." And Mark Lawrenson the former Irish player clearly had a longterm struggle with it: “You need at least eight or nine men in a ten-man wall." And: "Ireland will give 99% - everything they’ve got." Even Arsenal do it But I suppose I have to get to Arsenal and I will start with our hero - Ian Wright "Without being too harsh on David (Seaman), he cost us the match." And again with his logic: "Burton really couldn’t lose tonight – but they have." “I don’t want Rooney to leave these shores but if he does, I think he’ll go abroad.” Ah Ian, what are you doing to us? Send them to their room! And Niall Quinn can get in on the logic action: "Tony Fernandes is in that goldfish bowl and he’s swimming against the tide." "I won’t name any names but I’ll name just one, David Dein." And I love this from John Helm, the English sports commentator: "Viv Anderson has pissed a fatness test." Poor old Merse obviously spent too much time on football and not on school: "Paul Lambert has learned Fabian Delph the game." Ray Parlour also struggled with counting: “Martin Jol has put his hands on his heads.” Always, Cristiano Logic was the problem for RTE commentator George Hamilton "That's a yellow card for Cazorla. So the next time he's involved in Europe, he won't be." Kevin Keegan, ex England manager, was also a great exponent of putting your foot in your mouth: "There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow." "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona." True, Kevin. "Not many teams will come to Arsenal and get anything, home or away." Also true, Kev. "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose." Maths too, Kevin? Ally McCoist, the Scottish player and manager struggled to count: "One thing about Germany – they’ll be organised, they’ll be big and they’ll be strong." Mark Draper of Aston Villa should have listened in geography class rather than concentrating on keepy uppies "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" But poor Rob McCaffrey actually had a point here: "What do you think of Manchester United's three Rs - Rooney, Ronaldo and van Nistelrooy?" The legend And then there was this twist of logic by former Scottish manager Craig Brown: "We had two shots saved off the line by the post." Or this truism from a true Spud Glenn Hoddle: "I didn’t say them things that I said." I love this from Ian Wright’s former partner at Palace Mark Bright: "He's signalling to the bench with his groin." Elton Welsby the commentator with a great segue "And now the goals from Carrow Road, where the game finished 0-0." Another Spud in Terry Venables "If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen" Steve Claridge who seemed to have played for every small club in England: "I'm sure Spurs will get another opportunity, hopefully before the final whistle. Craig Bellamy is a master of logic: "Arsenal are streets ahead of everyone in this league and Manchester United are up there with them." Alvin Martin of West Ham got it absolutely right: “If Arsenal don’t finish third, they might not finish in third place.” Terry Venables again, how does he do it?: "Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored." Nasser Hussain, the cricketer, who thankfully knows more about cricket, came up with this masterpiece: "They (Leeds United) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil or even less." Gerard Houllier, showing that Liverpool weren’t winners, Of course he was right: "You can't say my team aren't winners. They've proved that by finishing fourth, third and second in the past three seasons." And the wonderful BBC commentator John Motson "The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour." It always is, John, except when it’s not.

The Dark Side takes over 1994-95 Last week I wrote about how we won the European Cupwinners Cup on May the Fourth. I, and many other Gooners were hoping that we have disturbed the force that is Manchester United and are ready to be Arsenal again. George Graham could surely now come up with the tactics to hit us into warp drive. We had the players, we could put out an entire England team and it would be nearly as good as the actual one. We bought Stefan Schwarz, John Hartson, Chris Kimomya and Glenn Helder. Surely Darth Vader (Alex Ferguson) couldn’t stop us now? Certainly Man City couldn’t. 3-0 first match. Your Death Star is about to be demolished, Mr Ferguson, the Arsenal are back. Except we weren’t. Defeats to Liverpool, Leeds, and Newcastle along with draws to Norwich and Blackburn meant we were going to be confined to the farther reaches of the galaxy, more likely. What it is to be an Arsenal supporter. Finally on 25th September we beat West Ham 2-0. We never got going after that and didn’t play like contenders, let alone champions. Dark rivers of cash Ah, but there were rumours appearing, enquiries into irregularities, and something was going on behind the scene. Not with the Arsenal, surely? We were squeaky clean, not like many others, with Don Revie and Brian Clough regularly in the frame when such allegations appeared. All us football fans believed that there was a river of bungs, underhand payments, and brown envelopes streaming through clubs. Many articles and books speculated on this but it was George Graham who was caught, tried in an FA inquiry, and found guilty. The details were simple and undisputed. Graham had received £425,00 from Rune Hauge for services supplied. He claimed he helped him to operate in England, providing consultation and advice when required. He described them as gifts which he never asked for. It is perhaps best put in this extract from the Guardian here Rune Hauge: Did this smiling man really cause all the trouble? ”The "bung" details are complicated, but, in simple terms, George accepted two lumps of cash, totalling £425,000, from a Norwegian football agent with whom George, as manager of Arsenal, had been involved in various transfer deals. He had also helped this agent, giving him advice and contacts in British football in general. George, therefore, so he says, looked upon this money as an unsolicited gift. He didn't see it as having strings attached, either before or after. At the time, he didn't appear to see anything wrong at all. Arsenal, the club, didn't lose out. His "gifts" had come out of a middleman's pocket. No one, so he maintained, was cheated.” Hey, it's capitalism It is fair to say that in business, such arrangements are normal, you scratch my back and I scratch yours. Capitalism is built on such things. But sport is different, and should be. There are sporting rules that you shouldn’t break, both on and off the arena. In golf and snooker, the highest standards are maintained, and players are expected to call foul on themselves, but football is probably the dirtiest sport of all. Professional boxing? Maybe, but it is very much a minority sport in terms of participants. So George was banned for a year, he lost his job at Arsenal, his reputation was thrashed and he lost a lot of money as he handed it all back and had to pay high legal fees. Arsenal struggled on the pitch as players were in shock. Graham had always seemed so straight, he was tough, but they liked him, mostly. They understood what he wanted, what he valued, how he dealt with them in general. One has to understand that a football manager can only pick 11, and must piss off players every week and the skill is getting them to understand their role and value to the team, even if it is a peripheral role. But also helping them through difficult times, Tony Adams with alcohol and Paul Merson with gambling are examples of this. A long tough battle for Paul Merson Paul Merson, this season, came out about his severe gambling, alcohol and cocaine addiction. 3 months rehab was offered and George Graham welcomed him back into his role, but shortly after was fired. Merson recovered his career and Graham played his part. He obviously understood human frailty. The good and the bad of George Graham Graham had been the best manager of my time with Arsenal till now. For a shortish period we were the best team in England. He had a distinct belief in how football should be played and the type of footballer he wanted in every position. He ran Arsenal as a tight ship and must have been a dream for the directors, always being canny in his dealings, keeping plenty of money at home for them. He believed he had a deal with them that he could return but the Arsenal board, being representative of the higher echelons of British society, decided that they did not wish to be tainted with the unsavoury aspects highlighted by the FA, and threw him to the wolves. Graham, doing what he does best So, what is my view on the matter? George Graham was caught, he did wrong and got a fair enough punishment in my opinion. Put in context, though, I feel he was a small fish in a murky pond, and countless others participated in a lot more dirty dealings. It is still going on, probably a lot worse now as there is a lot more money floating around. Football seems to be irredeemably corrupt, from FIFA downwards and nothing really happens despite periodic exposes. Qatar, anyone? The squeaky clean home of the next World Cup? Yeah, sure. Can it be fixed? What can be done? I would start on the pitch. Make it an offence not to admit to a foul. In other words, no arguing with the ref, the cameras can see what happened. No claiming anything, from throw ins to penalties, the cameras and the officials can see what happened. Players forced to be honest, on penalty of far worse punishment if they are not, would be a start. No deliberate kicking or pulling of a player to stop them moving. No diving, falling down holding your face when you weren’t even touched on the face and such things like that to be replaced with being punished severely for it. Cleaning up on the pitch, I believe, would be the first step necessary to cleaning things up off it. Would fans be happy with my proposals? I have a feeling no is the answer. Often fans are blind to their own teams failings and over sensitive to the oppositions. What next for Arsenal? For George Graham, he had succumbed to the dark side of the force. Arsenal were knocked back in their attempt to tackle the Man Utd empire and the Premier league trophy was turning out to be in a far distant galaxy which Arsenal had no hope of reaching. But as always with Arsenal, there are grounds for hope and next week I will talk about matters on the pitch in this season. Could we rescue it at all? And who would come after George Graham?